Insanity:  (noun) 1.  Deranged, altered thinking.  2.  Foolish, extravagant.  3.  Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

This one word…insanity…explains perfectly the life that I led for some time.  While in active addiction, my daily life was pure insanity.  Chasing a high all day, every day, obtaining that substance by any means necessary gets pretty damn crazy.  

Of course, it’s insane now, in retrospect, but while I was living it, it was all perfectly normal.  Living day to day, doing the things I was doing were bizarre.  My behaviors, my thinking patterns within my own addiction were erratic, outlandish and insane.

An example:  I remember a time when I was in the worst grips of my addiction.  I was calling the dope man, trying to line something up.  I told him on the phone, “Look, I’m about to sell my cell phone and get some cash so I can come get some, so stay by the phone because I’ll be CALLING you as soon as I’m done.”  I proceeded to walk into the store, sell my perfectly good cell phone for next to nothing, walk out to my car and start off.  Then I remember thinking, “Damnit, how am I going to call him now???”  I then went back to the store, got his number out of my phone and called him from a pay phone.  

Pure. Insanity.

My addiction had such a grip on my mind and body that I couldn’t even process that I had to have my phone in order to cop the drugs I needed.  My mind was so fixed on getting that fix that it couldn’t function past that thought or task. 

I can remember waking up in the morning and honestly begging myself not to get high, while the whole time I was pushing it into my veins, almost against my will.  Insanity.

And another twist when it comes to insanity and addiction:

Allow me to cash your reality check:

Addiction kills more people than cancer, car accidents and WAR combined.  That blows my mind.  Really. 

Try to imagine that.  The number of people that die from each one of these things separately is breathtaking, but one thing, the disease of addiction, claims more lives than all of them together.  We raise money for cancer research, which is necessary.  We spend unknown amounts of money make our cars and roads safer.  We spend billions on sending our troops to war, yet we hardly even recognize the need for programs and research funds for addiction. 

That’s insane.

OK.  Last bit of insanity.  (I know it’s driving you crazy!)

Out of 24,719 offenders that were screened in the North Carolina Department of Corrections in 2010-2011, 62% or 15,249 indicated a need for intermediate or long-term substance abuse treatment.  Out of that number 10,880 were referred to substance abuse treatment.  There were only 1,559 slots available to be filled for treatment with that year, leaving too many without access to necessary treatment. Those numbers are staggering to me.   (Numbers taken from the North Carolina Department of Correction, Division of Alcoholism and Chemical Dependency Programs, Annual Legislative Report, FY 2009-2010.)

It’s insane that more programs are not available for people who do not have top of the line insurance coverage.  Therefore, people with addictions will often times end up in the judicial system.  That’s what drugs will do for you.

The programs offered within the prison system do not even begin to scratch the surface when it comes to those in need of treatment and education.  I can’t help but wonder how many people could have avoided prison if they had been given a chance to go through a program while in the grips of their addiction.  Or how many people could avoid going back to jail and prison over and over if treatment and education was offered.  It’s insane.

Then there’s the stigma of addiction.  The insane thought that we (addicts) get what we deserve, and if we really didn’t want to use we wouldn’t, and it would be easy to do.  All we need is more will power. 

I’m here to tell you, as a person that’s been through this, it simply is not true. 

Drugs changed my brain, the way I thought, the way my brain operated. There was nothing in this world that was able to slow me down.

I ask you something on behalf of all addicts.  Please don’t throw us away.  

Many of the addicts I have met are some of the smartest, most creative people you would ever want to know.  We have a lot to offer this world, but we cannot share it if backs are turned on us.  

Give us a chance.  Do what you can to lend a helping hand.  Show support in whatever way works for you.  Help try and remove this stigma.  Thousands of people suffer from this ugly disease and nothing will change until there is understanding, forgiveness and acceptance.  Hold us accountable, but please…don’t kick us to the curb.  We, too, have value.

Help someone, don’t look down upon.  Forgive and let grace set your pace.