I find myself in a dark room, completely alone except for my thoughts - and a bag of dope. 

I try to talk myself out of administering that next dose…without any sufficient luck.  I finally give in and do my next shot. The rush is intense, my eyes begin to close.  For a few moments, I hold on to the pain I was feeling...but soon the chemical takes over and the pain washes away into nothing.  No physical and mental pain - just stuck in a state of numbness.  As the high leaves, the pain slowly begins to drift back into place.  It scares me, makes me anxious.  The dread of it coming is so intense.  It grips my insides.  

I look into the mirror just to be filled with genuine disgust.  My eyes hollow, my body so skinny and gaunt that I could not stand my very sight.  Looking into that mirror, I only saw myself…and truly believed that I was the only one I was hurting.  But, I was also the one solely responsible for feeding and supporting my addiction.  I played the victim, lost in my own self-pity.  I swore I was alone. 

The truth is, I really wasn’t.  

I felt so alone in my actions and the things I did on a daily basis, but now I know different. 

Everything I did and/or said affected my family, friends, and anyone close to me.  For a long time, my parents were a part of my addiction…a part of the problem and not the solution.  This was not at all their fault.  They loved me, and like any decent parents, would do anything in the world for me.  It was so hard for them when I was manipulative and did or said whatever I had to in order to get what I wanted out of them.  On several occasions they bailed me out of bad situations on the promises I would make.  They didn’t know what to do. They wanted to believe me and believe in me, but what they mostly knew was that they loved me and would do anything for me.  

After a time of my going in and out of jail, and in and out of treatment centers, they became educated at various family sessions the centers hosted.  Now, when I said they were willing to do anything to help me, I meant it.  After getting the education on this disease and what the family’s role was in all this, they began to take the advice of my various counselors and educators.  They also participated in many seminars and educational opportunities they found on their own and learned from.  Not giving me help unless I was willing to help myself, not living under their roof if I was going to take any more mind altering substances...basically saying I was on my own until I cleaned up.  These were some of the tips they were given.  They would love me from a distance but would have no part in enabling me which, if enabling me was the path they chose, it would have ended up loving me to my death.  Literally.  The path I was heading down had nothing but a casket or a prison cell at the end of it.

They also began to take steps towards their own form of healing.  They attended groups with people who were also family members or friends of addicts.  They found their own form of support in those settings.  For so long, I was the center, the focal point. It was all about getting me help, getting me to groups, getting me to a point where I wanted recovery and could begin to feel a sense of healing.  The whole time, I’m sure, they began feeling worse and worse not being able to have folks support them in what they were dealing with, but they never gave up.  They learned more about how to help me using tough love and such, but also how to help themselves.  They learned how to cope with various situations I put them in and how to deal with me in general.  I know they wanted to be there for me, to support and help me, but the old way didn’t work.  They had to find some other way to help us all.

Let me add one more thing here…once I saw that they were taking steps to help themselves to better be able to help me, it truly did mean the world.  In my closed addict mind, I genuinely did feel alone most of the time, but now I know they never left me.

All of this is to say that addiction is not a sole, single, one person disease.  Like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to enable and support an addict.  A lot of factors have to be in place in order for an addict to keep feeding those cravings. 

If you have a family member or friend who is an addict…drugs, alcohol, it doesn’t matter…educate yourself on ways you can help that person along, but also look for ways to help yourself.  It can be terribly painful and hard seeing someone you love suffer through this awful disease, and the natural thing is to want to help them.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is help yourself and learn the skills you need so as not to just continue enabling them.  It was the best thing that happened to me.  

Don’t give up and never underestimate the power of a group of peers, people who know what you are feeling.  

Do it for yourself…and do it for the one you love who has the disease of addiction.