As an addict, my life is controlled by a substance.  Whether it be from a baggie or from a bottle, whether I smoke it, snort or shoot it, I am addicted. There a many addictions that might include certain lifestyle – fast money, sex, gambling or shopping – and it, like drug addiction, can control your very existence.

I have found in my own experience, which involved drugs such as cocaine and heroin…typically the latter…it affects me mostly on three different levels.  Those levels are: physically, mentally and spiritually.  I’m going to do my best to paint a picture for you of each one of these.  Bear with me and try to keep an open and imaginative mind, although the reality is far from imagination.

The physical addiction, along with the rest, developed over a period of time, but at my very worst this is what it was like for me on a DAILY basis.

I woke up every morning in a pool of my own sweat, hurting all over from head to toe because my last dose had worn off.  If I had not saved any the night before it would get progressively worse within the first few hours of the day.  I would shake hard, like I was freezing cold, but I would be continually sweating.  My clothes would be wet and sweat would bead up on my forehead and run down my face.  I ran to the bathroom over and again, throwing up to the point of those painful dry heaves.   Imagine your worst stomach bug and multiply it by ten.  Picture that with a Kodak.  Not too pretty.

Yet, all of these side effects from my physical addiction are what pushed my mental addiction into overdrive.

The mental addiction at times was the absolute worst for me.  Because I was so physically addicted, I would start stressing hours before I needed another dose. Thoughts of how I was going to obtain that fix that would take away that nasty sickness that consumed me dominated my every thought.   

I was beyond obsessed with getting, having and finding ways to get more dope.  So much so, that even my basic instincts from childhood of what was right and wrong were completely blurred and altered in my mind.  I had not a care in the world as to who you were, what you had, or if you cared for me.  I would do or say anything I thought would manipulate anyone into giving me what I wanted, and if that didn’t work…well, fine, damn it.  “ I will just steal it” was my attitude.  My mother often asked where I had learned that it was ok to steal.  In retrospect, my answer should have been that I would rather steal than be so deathly sick from not having the dope my body and mind craved.  But, more often than not, the typical addict denial was the answer I served up to her.  The mental obsession was often so intense that I couldn’t even carry on everyday conversations.  It ran me so far into the ground mentally that it seemed only getting high or suicide were my options.

Spiritually it was an awful tough ride.  When I was sick and needed a dose to get through, I completely and totally abandoned my morals and upbringing.  I forgot completely about God and more often than not, I found myself cursing God and blaming my situation on him.  But also, when I was not sick but not necessarily high either, the feeling of guilt, remorse, complete and utter shame were damn near, if not completely, overwhelming.  I had abandoned all hope.  I later came to a realization, thanks to Jay Bakker, that I was being punished by my sins, not for my sins. The lifestyle and bad things I was doing was completely beating me up.  The shame, guilt…all that came because of what I was doing…I was punishing myself.  God still loved me.  But I hated myself.

Addiction is a disease that affects these key areas in our lives – mind, body and soul.  It is a disease.  It is a disease that often has a genetic predisposition.  My great-grandfather, along with others along the way, were addicts.  Some of them died as a result of their addiction.

A lot of time when I refer to addiction as a disease, I phrase it as Dis-Ease.  I was not at ease in my own skin when I was using.  I was uneasy with the feelings that I felt, therefore I used drugs to help me numb and forget them.  I suffer from a Dis-Ease…an “uncomfortability,” in my own skin, if I may be so bold as to make up a word that fits. 

So, in order to stay clean when I get out, I know I have to continue what I do now.  Just like when I used, it was a daily thing for me to search in order to feed my addiction.  Already I find ways that will help keep me clean and sober.  For now, part of my routine is writing, going to meetings, talking to people who are like me, and I constantly look for ways to find comfort within my own skin.  I want to continue this plan when I get out and work it into something that will help educate other people.  Like a diabetic needing insulin or someone with high blood pressure, I need to pay attention and tend to my illness. 

I live every day now searching for that forgiveness that God offers us all.  I know I am not alone in this world as an addict.  There are thousands like me.  Don’t throw us away.

Until next time…

In God’s grace,

Pax