These days there is a lot of time for me to sit and think...a lot of time to think about what I have done to have gotten my life in this mess.  Writing has been helpful to me in the past and I hope you will bear with me as I work through the process of getting better.

Quite honestly, though, all I can think about so far are the people I have hurt.  My victims never leave my mind.

But, the words will hardly come out. 

I have victims. 

These are people I have hurt severely through my direct or indirect actions… people both very near and dear to my heart, and people on whom I will never lay eyes.

I have hurt and victimized all kinds of people…primarily because of my addictions, but also because I am human.

I am currently sitting in prison…in a concrete building surrounded by razor wire because I have victims… because I did people wrong…very, very wrong.

On that day in court…that day that determined my fate was in fact to be incarcerated, I was faced with some who were my victims, people who I love dearly, and who suffered terribly because of my addiction and resulting actions.

I could not hold my head up.  I was so ashamed of my very existence.  My eyes could not meet theirs.

Then, looking over to the other side of the courtroom, I saw my father sitting…the very man I call hero, the man whom I look up to more than anyone in this world.  Now, once again, he was one of my victims.  It was absolutely one of the most gut-wrenching things I had ever experienced in my life.  I have never felt so low.

It probably sounds shallow to you, but I feel such a need to at least begin to try and express my apologies and begin the process of seeking forgiveness for the horrible things I have done. 

To all my victims, big and small, recent and old, I have to tell you that I am so deeply sorry for the things I have done and the pain caused by my actions.  That person is not who I really am.  You may disagree, and I can understand why you would feel about me as you do, because that is the face that I showed.

I ask God to forgive me and maybe one day I will feel that powerful grace that I know is there for others.  I hope someday you may forgive me.  I know it may not be possible, and I understand, but I have to ask, because this pain eats away at me every day.

I know what it is like to be locked in a cell – in prison – but it doesn’t have to be in a gray concrete building with three strands of razor wire surrounding it.  Sometimes you can be caught in prison in your own heart, mind and soul.  That’s where I find myself.

I want to find my way to peace, and to forgive myself.  I hope in time you will be able to move towards forgiveness of me too.

Until next time, in God’s grace,

Pax