I
sit and wonder a lot about where I have been, and I look at what
avenues in life I took that got me to those dead end destinations. I
spend time contemplating with much despair the people I have hurt and
the things I have lost. I have hurt people I don’t even know, and I have
hurt those most near and dear to my heart.
This is what stood out in my mind when I really thought about the worst part of addiction, and the life I led as a result. I was trapped in a world so in control of me I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to stop. I loved the people I speak of very much, yet my actions proved to be to the contrary. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get out.
In my darkest times, feeling alone and beaten from the things that controlled who I was, I couldn’t even bear the sight of myself in the mirror. I stared at the sink while I brushed my teeth so the encounter with that self in the reflection didn’t have to take place. I was lost in what seemed to me at the time to be hell in real life. I had pushed away my whole family and those that cared about me most as I ran from my problem.
I didn’t know what to do. The shame and guilt that rested and burned in my gut was almost too much to bear at times. I had lost so much by this time. I hurt so much from what I had done and it should have been enough for me to stop, but I couldn’t. The obsession and craving for the next one was so strong I would go to any length to get it. I no longer cared whatsoever what happened to me. In my mind, I thought those I cared for would be better off without me.
But what I have come to realize is that they are better off with me, if I am doing the right things. My beautiful daughter deserves a daddy that treats her like the little princess she is, and a daddy that lives a life she can be proud of one day. I deserve a life outside the bondage of addiction, to live that life, free and full.
Through this battle I have not been a good person. I have done things that I am not proud of and will have to carry with me for a lifetime. But, I know now that my past does not define me. The person I am today and the life I choose to live today and in every day forward will define my destiny.
I thought a lot about how God’s grace played into all this. What I came up with is that God loved me the whole time. When I couldn’t even bear the sight of myself in a mirror, He was right there with me, loving me the whole time. When I was hurting and devastating the people I love most, He was right there - loving me. When I wasn’t being the father I was suppose too be, God was right there, loving me anyway. When I lost the desire to even exist, When I was so full of shame that I was trying to turn off His love, God loved me anyway. He was right there loving me.
The truth is I may not be done losing things as a result of my addiction and the choices that I made during that awful time, but with God’s love, and staying strong to the path I have chosen, nothing can stop me. All my dreams and passions that have developed as a result of this tragic time can be fulfilled beyond my every intention. In fact, good things are happening.
Thanks for reading. ‘Til next time.
Peace, love & grace
PAX
This is what stood out in my mind when I really thought about the worst part of addiction, and the life I led as a result. I was trapped in a world so in control of me I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to stop. I loved the people I speak of very much, yet my actions proved to be to the contrary. I was stuck and didn’t know how to get out.
In my darkest times, feeling alone and beaten from the things that controlled who I was, I couldn’t even bear the sight of myself in the mirror. I stared at the sink while I brushed my teeth so the encounter with that self in the reflection didn’t have to take place. I was lost in what seemed to me at the time to be hell in real life. I had pushed away my whole family and those that cared about me most as I ran from my problem.
I didn’t know what to do. The shame and guilt that rested and burned in my gut was almost too much to bear at times. I had lost so much by this time. I hurt so much from what I had done and it should have been enough for me to stop, but I couldn’t. The obsession and craving for the next one was so strong I would go to any length to get it. I no longer cared whatsoever what happened to me. In my mind, I thought those I cared for would be better off without me.
But what I have come to realize is that they are better off with me, if I am doing the right things. My beautiful daughter deserves a daddy that treats her like the little princess she is, and a daddy that lives a life she can be proud of one day. I deserve a life outside the bondage of addiction, to live that life, free and full.
Through this battle I have not been a good person. I have done things that I am not proud of and will have to carry with me for a lifetime. But, I know now that my past does not define me. The person I am today and the life I choose to live today and in every day forward will define my destiny.
I thought a lot about how God’s grace played into all this. What I came up with is that God loved me the whole time. When I couldn’t even bear the sight of myself in a mirror, He was right there with me, loving me the whole time. When I was hurting and devastating the people I love most, He was right there - loving me. When I wasn’t being the father I was suppose too be, God was right there, loving me anyway. When I lost the desire to even exist, When I was so full of shame that I was trying to turn off His love, God loved me anyway. He was right there loving me.
The truth is I may not be done losing things as a result of my addiction and the choices that I made during that awful time, but with God’s love, and staying strong to the path I have chosen, nothing can stop me. All my dreams and passions that have developed as a result of this tragic time can be fulfilled beyond my every intention. In fact, good things are happening.
Thanks for reading. ‘Til next time.
Peace, love & grace
PAX
beautiful Paxton. continue to rest in His grace.
ReplyDeletePaxton, I know that the wreckage of the past is difficult to reckon with and find peace in. I believe, though, that you will find a lot of resolution and spiritual awakening on a whole other level once you have worked the steps. You deserve it!
ReplyDelete