The temperature is growing colder with each passing day.  Black Friday commercials are taking over TV land. Slowly…but surely Christmas music begins to control the radio waves.

And then…it hits me.  I’m not going to be home for the holidays.  As my mind begins to wander in the thoughts of Christmas, I realize this will not be the only Christmas I will miss.  2015 will surely bring the same sadness during the holiday season.

At the house I grew up in, whatever holiday it might be, 228 West Bell Street turned into an absolute madhouse.  Running kids, loud, abundant laughter, and stressful sleeping arrangements were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to any holiday celebration with the Westgang.  Because there are so many of us in our family, the presents at Christmas almost totally camouflage the fresh evergreen tree.  I would torment my mom until she would finally give in and let us all open just one present the night prior to the true paper tearing extravaganza. 

Memories.  Oh, the memories. 

They bring a huge smile to my face.  Then the reminder of my current situation brings tears to my eyes. 

I hate the decisions I made while living the life of an addict.

But I’m not the only one being punished here.  My beautiful daughter, Harlan, just does not understand why I’m not there.  Though it is very important for me to be there for my child every day, it becomes especially hard when holidays roll around.  

I’m supposed to be there playing Santa, but Mrs. Claus has had to put in some overtime over the last years.  One of the worst things I will ever have to do is to just imagine on Christmas morning her reactions and her laughter.

My little girl truly is the best gift I have ever been given, and now because I had to feed my addiction, I’m not able to see her on Christmas morning and hand her a special gift from her daddy.  Broken-hearted does not even begin to describe it.

There will be a time when I will have an opportunity to spoil her rotten on Christmas the way she deserves.  For right now, I have made my bed and I must lie in it.  But I can wake up from that bed every day striving to be a better man today than I was yesterday.

Being away from my child, my sweet blonde headed baby girl, kills me year round, not just when it is holiday time.  But I use those feelings for fuel for my recovery.  I never want to have to leave her again.  I have promised myself that this is it.  I’m done.  Being the best daddy I can be is my new drug.

I have expressed in previous blogs that I am surrounded by addicts and alcoholics here in prison.  I watch these guys closely.  I watch as some receive cards and letters from home and you can see in their faces the regret they feel for whatever landed them here, away from their beloved family.

And then, there are the guys who receive absolutely nothing, year round.  Their families have completely given up on them because of their addictions and their bad choices.  You see them watching the other guys open their mail and there is a heavy sadness that comes over them.

The holidays are hard on all of us, but my heart breaks especially for those who have no contact from those they care about.

I wish I could give these guys a Christmas like the ones at 228 West Bell.

Think about this for just a moment:  I’ve told you about the number of people in this country who are incarcerated for drugs or alcohol in one way or another.  Now think about the children, parents, siblings, and friends who have to go through the holidays with an empty seat at the table.  I promise you there are kids everywhere that all they want for Christmas is for mommy or daddy to be home. Maybe things could change if we began to talk about drug abuse, the need for programs and for drug awareness education.  

The message I try to pass on is about addiction and grace, but also never taking things for granted.  Life happens every day and you absolutely never know what could happen to have you taken away from your family.  You can’t choose your family, but always be thankful for the one you’ve been given.  I never thought I wouldn’t be spending Christmas with my family, yet here I sit, in prison for a holiday season that I will never get back.

This season, take a time out and say a prayer for the addict who is still out there running.  Pray for the Christmas baby that will be born into addiction through no fault of their own.  Pray for the parents that get the call on Christmas Day that their son or daughter has overdosed.  It is very real and doesn’t only happen during the holidays.  It happens every single day in our country to families just like yours and mine.  The lives addiction affects is almost unfathomable.  It blows my mind.

I cannot change the things I have done.  All I have is today, the here and now.  The pain I have caused others is certainly coming back home. 

I was always the guy that wanted to bring smiles to the faces of those who were down, but now I am the guy that has brought pain and long faces to too many people.  I work hard every day to regain that person who thought he could change the world by bringing smiles wherever he went.  I use my current situation as motivation.  

I want to thank each of you that takes time out of your day to read, like, share and comment on my blog.  Your support means the absolute world to me.  I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful holiday season.  Don’t take for granted the people in your life.  Make someone smile today!

Happy holidays and God bless you all.

Let grace set the pace.