“If you always do what you did, you’ll always get what you got.”

For a long time this was a hard concept for me to understand.  There was always this foreign idea running in my head that if I could just get clean long enough to not be dependent on the drugs,  I could use again…rationing out how much I would use, or reasoning that I would just get high on the weekends.  I thought I could be a functioning, recreational user as long as I didn’t become physically dependent upon the substance.

The disease of addiction truly is a sneaky one. 

During times that an addict is clean - not using any mind or mood altering substances - the addiction lies dormant within the person’s brain.  Often addicts believe that if a certain amount of clean time is maintained, the addictive traits will lessen and the physical and mental aspects will diminish.  Through scientific studies and analysis, it has been proven that when relapse happens and addicts return to that lifestyle, they typically pick up at the level where they left off.  Sometimes it may be worse than where they were before. 

When the person initially starts to use, it takes weeks, months, maybe even years to get to that level of tolerance.  But, once that level is met, even if a person stays clean for ten years, the tolerance level will be at or near that same level if they relapse.

For example, if a person uses one gram of heroin a day during active addiction, gets clean for a while then relapses, it will only be a matter of days before his body craves that same amount that was being used when he stopped.  

Therefore, my idea of “getting clean” so I could start back over with a lower tolerance and control was really a foolish idea and never could have been realized.  

The truth is, I was in denial of the disease that had taken over my life.  I was in denial to the point that I lied regularly to those I loved the most… and I began believing myself all the lies I told.  I was convinced that I was not an addict, that I did not have any sort of problem.  The problem only came when I didn’t have the drugs that my body so desperately craved. 

The craziest thing is that I was completely ok with that.  So long as I could cover my arms and hide the track marks and continue to lie to cover what I truly had become, everything was ok….and no one was getting hurt.

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I denied the fact that I was using.  I denied it so much, that when I was, in fact, clean and doing the right things, no one could believe me. I had denied it too many times before when it was not true. 

It was a typical case of the boy who cried “wolf.”

I could not understand for the life of me why people could not or would not believe that I was clean. I held resentments towards folks because in my mind I was doing well, and they should trust me, believe and support me, right then and there.

Then, just like a typical addict, those resentments would give me a huge case of the “fuck its.”   The typical “Well, hell, they all think I’m using anyway. I might as well because obviously that is what they want me to do” became my excuse.

That is one backwards-ass way of thinking, but that was my mindset and what I truly believed.

So that leads me back to the quote, “if you always do what you did, you’ll always get what you got.”      

  

I always ended up doing what I did through my own selfish resentment and denials. I was not ready to accept the problem that had consumed my very being.  I was in a place where the resentment of those who cared deeply about me caused me to go back to that dangerous lifestyle of always pushing my limits and seeing just how far I could take things. 

If I could have, like I have now, found a way to address my addiction head on and deal with it, then I might not be where I am today. Instead of denying to myself and to others the nature of the beast that lived within me and addressed it as the life-threatening issue that it is, then maybe – just maybe –  multiple rehabs, the loss of a lot of very important people in my life, and prison might not be the reality of what my life has become. 

I did what I did, and I got what I got.

The only thing I can say now is that I don’t want this same thing to happen to you, someone you love, or anyone else in the world, for that matter.

If you struggle with some sort of chemical dependency my advice to you is to take the first step and admit it to someone else.  Open up, allow them to know how you are struggling, and that you are willing to take that first step.  The more you admit it out loud to another person, the easier it will be to accept it within yourself. 

Don’t allow your own shame and guilt to prevent you from addressing a problem for which there is help.  

Don’t put down anyone who admits to you they have a problem.  Go the extra mile with that person because they need you. Don’t turn your back on them.

You never know whose life you may save in the long run. 

Of course, as always, let grace set the pace.

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If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, let us know if we can answer any questions or help find treatment.  Or - if you just need a someone to listen, shoot an email. 

 

Thank you so much for your support.  It is what keeps me going.  If all goes well, 317 days from today, my life will be very different…and I plan on continuing to try a difference for others who have walked where I have walked.  

Peace.