My mind raced as my chest began to tighten with frustration.  I felt as if I had worked so hard and it felt to no avail. I was cleaning up and gaining sobriety because that is what “they” wanted me to do.  I wanted “them” off my back and to stop their harsh tones and cutting looks. 

Yet- I was not ready to take full responsibility for my own condition. I was honestly in denial about the disease that had taken over my life.  I had no cares other than to shut those up around me.

I had gone to rehab, I had been to jail, I had read books and was bettering myself, but I held firm resentments to those who doubted me and tended to highlight the negative far more than the positive.

They had not been where I have and I couldn’t believe their audacity to judge or tell me how I should be.  

I have used those encounters and resentments to fund binges so many times - I cannot even begin to explain.  A fire, a fury, would burn so hot in the pit of my stomach that the only way I knew to extinguish it was to drown it in heroin.

The more I have struggled with this recovery dilemma, the more I have come to understand it was and is all on me. The ball is completely in my court. Nothing anyone says or does can affect me if  I choose to not allow it.  Emotions, I have learned, are choices but emotions are also key in decision making.  If I chose to get high, it was because I chose to get angry at someone’s ignorant comment or under-educated opinion.  It was a vicious cycle, because at the end of the day, I was the one ending up hurting, alone, often in a jail cell, or detoxing in a pool of my own sweat.

The truth of it all is that I will never be perfect. None of us are. The fact that I am an addict will show up in my life in many forms and fashions – and not necessarily active addiction.  I will struggle with having to recognize that possibility in every aspect.  People are going to have things to say about my addiction, and will always doubt that recovery is permanent.

The pure reality is that recovery is only about the one wishing to recover.  

Recovery is as selfish as addiction.  

No one else matters, because recovery is about regaining that person lost to addiction.  Everything else positive after that related to recovery is just a bonus.  

If you want to get clean, don’t let that “want” be with someone else in mind.  Do it for yourself – and only for yourself. That’s the only way it will work.

People will doubt, they will be skeptical, and will tell you how you should be or how you should do it.  They will more often than not, draw great light to the bumps in the road versus the daily triumph that it is to stay clean – one day at a time.  Allow yourself a break, cut yourself some slack and don’t take on their negativity. Few from the outside looking in will be likely to have much understanding unless they, themselves, have walked the life of an addict.

 Keep your head up, and smile brightly in the faces of those who do not understand. Don’t get caught into the trap when they don’t get it and allow it to derail you.

Do your best living each day trying to love yourself. This is a concept that is completely lost while in the throes of addiction. If you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, work hard to find a shred of love for yourself and once you find it, hold on to it and do not let go for any reason. The love you can find for yourself, no matter the amount, will prove to be an endless fuel for recovery. 

If you cannot, by any means, find that love for yourself because you feel you have taken things too far, remember, without a doubt, that you are embraced with God’s grace. Know that God loves you right where you are, even if that’s in a dope house with a needle hanging from your arm. 

No matter what…God loves you.  

And, If all else fails, know that I love you.  No need to even question, I love you - and use that thought as fuel until you can gain some of your own. I love you without knowing you because I share your struggles, your thoughts, your doubts and your shame.  And I know you can make it through.  There will be times that you think you can't - but you can.  Believe that.

If you are a person who does not understand, I encourage you to educate yourself about addiction and recovery.  Knowledge is power. Therefore, if you are knowledgeable on the topic of addiction, you can help with your power instead of dragging someone down with your doubt.  Spend more time highlighting the positives and progress versus the bumps in the road and slips along the way. Most importantly, don’t forget, no one is perfect and we are all, in fact, human and will all make mistakes.

May God bless you and keep you, and as always, 

          #letgracesetthepace


#addiction  #heroinaddiction #recovery #grace #hope