Darkness began to take me over as the leaves began to change.  My head became heavy and my feet began to drag while people enjoyed Thanksgiving with their families.  Restless nights were full of nightmares as Christmas approached.  Days were dull. The typical brightness and sharpness about my eyes and my tongue were no longer there.

I was living in a world of defeat, prison and its many levels my opponent.  The Paxton most know had vanished, nowhere in sight.  

The sound of worry came quickly at the other end of the phone. I became defensive because I had not paid attention to the changes in my own heart and mind. I had let myself become defeated.

Then, my mom, my beautiful mother, broke it down to me.  It was simple.  “Paxton, you’re depressed.” Of course, with the state of my mind, I was instantly put on my back foot just because I couldn’t see what she was talking about. I was blind to the fact that the smile that was always naturally on my face was no longer present.

As of today, February 14, 2016, I have been in here for two years.  It also means that I have been clean for two years, the longest I have been clean since I was 13 years old.  So, today, I begin to feel that sly smirk making its way back.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  Prison is absolutely the worst experience of my life, but I made it through, the darkest of times, without getting high. The fact that I only have 167 days left has put a light at the end of the tunnel.

This recovery thing is no cakewalk, both behind this fence and out there.  There’s something that has been bounced around that makes sense and could have contributed to my symptoms.  It’s something called PAWS which stands for Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome.  This means that an addict can remain clean for a long period, then wake up one morning and physically feel as though they are in active addiction.  The withdrawals, the cravings all come back and there is no explanation as to why it happens.

Or – I could have been depressed – just because of my current situation.

Either way, both are recipes for relapse.

If you are still in active addiction, my hope is that you will soon make that life changing decision to move into recovery.  Recovery is hard, but addiction is worse and holds nothing good, at any point. If you go the path I chose for so long, you will lose everything.  This I can promise.

Choose recovery, and my advice to someone new to recovery is to prepare yourself for whatever addiction may throw your way.  Develop coping mechanisms because there will be moments that can trip you up.   Remember, relapse is a possibility, but not a requirement or solution of recovery. 

The truth is, the past four months or so have been the hardest of the last two years. I’ve been jumped, had to fight when I didn’t want to, and I have been belittled by the people in charge – unnecessarily.  Even with this indescribable pressure, I have made it through clean…and I am most grateful.  

A few weeks ago, I was moved from medium to minimum custody.  It’s a night a day difference.

When I look out the window at the snow topped mountains that surround me, there is no razor wire separating me from that incredible view.  I am given a new sense of calm.

I am reminded every day that I have a very special calling, and I am determined to fulfill it.

#letgracesetthepace

#addiction #recoveryispossible